Michelle Shocked Releases Silent Album, Names Songs After Music Execs

Folk provocateur Michelle Shocked is getting into the silent album business releasing an LP called Inaudible Woman comprising 11 tracks that boast no music and are mostly named for executives in the digital music world Billboard reports Michelle Shocked Not the First Artist to Betray Her Fanbase The move comes on the…

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Bethenny Frankel Flaunts Her Bod in Wet Crop Top and Short-Shorts on a Paddleboard While Her Hunky Boyfriend Does the Paddling

Bethenny Frankel, Michael Cerussi IIIBethenny Frankel puts the short-shorts in water sports!

The 43-year-old former star of The Real Housewives of New York was spotted Sunday riding the waves atop a paddleboard with…


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Kylie Knight, Richie Deville

Wily bastard, Richie Deville is at it again poaching fresh MILFs by the park in his own zany gonzo series “MILF Search!” He stumbles on Kylie Knight, a rather milky-white, voluptuous to the max MILF who’s run into some car trouble. Richie talks cute sugar in her ear about how gorgeous she is and how he can post up the money in exchange for a pornshoot! The wheels come off this bitch quick with Richie stripping Kylie down, exposing her natural double D’s. Then, he eats that fuckhole like shrimp fried rice, bashing her pink clit with his tongue. Watch him take this platinum blond mommy to Pound Town!

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Beck & Warby Parker Glasses Now Available

No stranger to creating cool capsule collections — from Man of Steel-inspired frames to a recent collab with Victoria’s Secret…
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6 Minutes With Lily Aldridge: Why the Victoria’s Secret Model Thinks When It Comes To Style, Less Is More

Show of hands: When you think of Victoria's Secret your mind immediately goes to over-the-top wings, lots of razzle dazzle, and an epic fashion show? Well, starting today the brand is trying something new. They're…







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The Homemade Purse Organizer Everyone Needs #OWNSHOW

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Natalie Pirveysian founder of the DIY blog Crème de la Craft, has the perfect organizational solution for the loose items in your purse. This easy DIY trick will have all your friends wondering where you bought it!
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Guy Tries To Play It Cool When His Phone Rings On Live TV, Then Panics

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. And sometimes, when your cell phone rings on live TV, your attempts to silence it are worse than the ring itself.

Like this guest on a Vietnamese TV show, for instance, whose phone rang in the middle of a segment last week. After initially playing it cool and casually trying to mute the electronic device, however, our friend panics.

Judging by his response, he may have put the phone on silent — permanently.

h/t Kotaku

Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Do You Know the Absolute Best Watches on the Market Right Now? The Experts Have Spoken

The dust has settled and the winners of the annual AskMen Watch Awards, as chosen by our readers, have been determined. Our horological experts nominated 50 different watch models across five distinct categories, and suggested brands for the coveted Brand of the Year prize, and your votes did the rest.

Here are some of this year’s winners (check out AskMen for the complete list):

First Watch That Matters – Nomos Metro

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Voting Category: First Watch That Matters
Nominating Judge: James Bassil

Nomos makes great, affordable watches because they don’t try to make them affordable. That’s to say that they don’t check their ambitions in order to keep costs down. The proof: the 2014 Metro model, that uses the company’s new “swing system” escapement. That’s an in-house, mechanical movement — typically out of the reach of first-time buyers on a budget. Nomos has it priced at just over $ 3,500.

A lot of watch companies offer models in this price range. Not many offer ones with custom movements. And only Nomos offers ones that serious watch nerds drool over. As my fellow judge Elizabeth Doerr phrased it, Nomos offers “the best price-performance ratio in the watch industry.” The Metro is highly credible, in addition to being elegant and built to last. Put that in the context of a company that keeps making better and more interesting products (even the Watch Snob nominated their Lambda in his category), and you’ve got heirloom potential — and this year’s best First Watch That Matters.

Heirloom Watch – Patek Philippe 5078R

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Voting Category: Heirloom Watch
Nominating Judge: Jack Forster

The Patek Philippe 5078R is a minute repeating wristwatch, made by Patek Philippe. That alone should be enough reason to make it conclusively one of the most heirloom-y watches you could possibly imagine, but now that the dust’s settled — vox populi, vox Dei — it’s worth looking a little more closely at why.

If you’re going to consider a watch for an heirloom, it’s worth considering what you don’t want. You don’t want something disposable; you don’t want something fashionable; you don’t want something that lacks gravitas or that’s not, within reason, the best of its kind. It’s also worth considering what you do want — something of value, against that day when some descendant will have to flee across international borders and perhaps need a, shall we say, compact high-value negotiable financial instrument.

The 5078R ticks every one of those boxes definitively. It’s an absolutely classic design, and at 38mm it could have been made anytime from yesterday to almost the dawn of the wristwatch era itself. It’s made to the highest standards of finish Patek Philippe can muster (which is saying something) and it’s delightfully uninterested in impressing anyone other than a knowledgeable owner, which in this day of luxury goods whose main value is their utility in conspicuous consumption is especially charming. It is, in a word, a connoisseur’s watch — a thing of great, discreet beauty whose appeal is in direct proportion to how much you know.

It is also, like almost all Pateks nowadays, apt to hold its (very) high value well, if not increase in value over time, and as a weregild of your noble house you could hardly ask for better. It says something that the price of acquiring one notwithstanding, the dollar value is far from the most interesting thing about the watch.

Technical Marvels – A. Lange & Söhne Richard Lange Perpetual Calendar Terraluna

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Voting Category: Technical Marvels
Nominating Judge: Paul Boutros

The selection of the A. Lange & Söhne Richard Lange Perpetual Calendar Terraluna as this year’s top Technical Marvel is no surprise. Mankind has always been fascinated with astronomy. The observation of day and night, the varying positions of the sun and moon in the sky along with the cycles of the moon were, at one point in history, the only way for humanity to keep time. As the most astronomically oriented watch in the category, the Terraluna’s superb and accurate indications of the poetic, planetary motions on the caseback side of the watch certainly delighted the readers of AskMen.

These are mesmerizing and exquisitely crafted representations of the earth, moon, and sky using three rotating disks made of solid gold integrated seamlessly into the movement. The earth disk completes a rotation every 24 hours while indicating the time across 24 different time zones. The sky is illustrated with a detailed map of the northern hemisphere that, along with a moon phase disk, completes a full 360-degree rotation once every 29 days, 12 hours, 44 minutes, and 9.6 seconds. In other words, the moon phase is accurate to within 1 day over 1058 years. Heavenly!

Inside, the in-house Lange caliber L096.1 with perpetual calendar is a technological tour-de-force. Fourteen days of power reserve are provided from a full wind of the two mainspring barrels. All this power is precisely controlled for improved timekeeping accuracy. Lange incorporated a remontoir mechanism that ensures constant force is delivered from the mainspring, regardless of how much, or how little, power remains. In Lange’s typical execution, every component is immaculately hand-finished, including the traditional hand engravings found on the balance cock that secures the escapement. Comprised of 787 parts, the Terraluna’s movement is housed in either an 18 karat white or pink gold case measuring a masculine 45.5 mm in diameter, with a thickness of 16.5 mm. The regulator-type dial, with the hours, seconds, and minutes presented on three separate but overlapping sub-dials is both unusual and visually appealing. Apertures for the perpetual calendar indicators — the day on the lower left, the month on the lower right, and the large date at 12 o’clock — are positioned elegantly within each sub-dial and sized relatively and appropriately for each. With the power reserve indicator almost forming a narrow bridge linking the seconds and hours sub-dials at 6 o’clock, the result is a stunningly attractive, harmoniously balanced dial people can’t help but fall in love with.

Check out the original article for the Vintage Watches winner, the Watch Snob Approved winner and the winning Brand of the Year.
Style – The Huffington Post
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Tiny Handmade Notebooks From An Unlikely Material #OWNSHOW

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Handmade notebooks of all sizes are a cereal box away with this neat DIY project from Natalie Pirveysian founder of the DIY blog Crème de la Craft.
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Guy Eating Styrofoam Is Probably Not Eating What He Thinks He Is

No. Don’t eat that, sir.

Please. It’s not a kebab, it’s styrofoam.

On some level, you have to realize that.

And we can only hope that at some point very soon after this video was taken, you did.

Also, to be honest, this video kind of makes styrofoam look good. Maybe it is good. Maybe just a little taste …

NO. Styrofoam eating is not the answer.

Hat tip: Gawker

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Weekly Roundup of eBay Vintage Clothing Finds

No time to page through thousands of eBay listings? Then just sneak a peek at my weekly eBay roundup of top vintage clothing finds.

This eclectic mix of designer and non-designer vintage clothing and accessories caught my discerning eye because of its uniqueness, contemporary feel and highly collectible nature.

As always, buyer beware! Be sure to read the listings closely and contact the sellers with any questions.

This week’s Roundup includes items by Burberry, Missoni, Pucci and Geoffrey Beene. Be sure not to miss the Schiaparelli necklace, the Gumps clutch, the Hermes nautical print blouse, the 1930s parrot compact purse and the collectible Giorgio Sant’Angelo dress.

ebay roundup of vintage clothing finds

GET READY, GET SET, BID!!!
(Click on Pic for More Info and Auction Links)

Which item is your favorite? Leave me a comment below to let me know.

To receive the eBay Roundup of Vintage Clothing Finds via email, sign up for Zuburbia’s mailing list here. Your information will never be sold or shared and you can easily unsubscribe at any time.

DISCLOSURE: Editorial selections are made by Zuburbia with no direct promotional consideration from the featured eBay sellers however Zuburbia may receive revenue as an affiliate member of the eBay Partner Network.

PLEASE NOTE that Zuburbia does not endorse the use of fur, feathers, leather or animal skins in fashion. Any of these selections are offered only as more thoughtful and eco-friendly alternatives for contemporary fashionistas who have not yet eliminated animal products from their wardrobes or for collectors who are seeking to preserve these items.
Style – The Huffington Post
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(VIDEO) Multi-Channel Network Collective Digital Studio Launches New Content for Purina

Los Angeles-based Collective Digital Studio (CDS) launched a new series of programming for its popular YouTube channel Petcentric as part of a recently minted deal with Purina, say Paul Kontonis, SVP in an interview with Beet.TV. That channel is now managed by CDS, which works with YouTube influencers to create the content targeting pet lovers and pet owners. “Our model is to develop content properties on YouTube that build audiences at scale,” Kontonis said, adding that the company’s nearly 700 channels deliver more than 1 billion views per month on YouTube.

Most recently, Petcentric released a video from Olga Kay and Sam Pepper featuring “Text from Dog,” the first in a new slate of content CDS is producing in tandem with a range of YouTube influencers.

CDS  also helped pair Choice Hotels with YouTubers Rhett & Link to co-create the popular YouTube video “I’m on Vacation,” that has earned more than 2 million views. “These YouTube creators are stars with genuine audiences that can be worked with in such a way that best leverages their relationship with their audience,” Kontonis says. As an example of the growth potential of YouTube creators, Kontonis says that online video series Epic Meal Time is being launched by A&E Networks FYI as a 16-episode series dubbed “Epic Meal Show.”

We interviewed Kontonis at the Beet.TV leadership summit on branded video where he was a panelist.  You can find additional videos from the event here.

You can find this post on Beet.TV.


Entertainment – The Huffington Post
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Getting A Man To Change For You

Are you a woman who wants to change her man, so he can treat you the way you deserve? In this article, you’ll discover why strong, successful women fail with men and how to fix that.
Relationships:Dating Articles from EzineArticles.com

Nubiles.net Serena – Topless teenie babe with petite boobs covered a bit by leaves

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-SMARTASS- – Most talented ass here!


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East Nashville Rocks

Four stories of rock and roll musicians making a home — and a scene — in a buzzing neighborhood just across the Cumberland River from the palaces of country music.

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Obama, Streep, Downey Top List of Unexpected Musicians

Have you ever daydreamed about playing a musical instrument or trying out for American Idol? Eighty-five percent of Americans who don’t play a musical instrument wish they could, and that’s what led the National Association of Music Merchants (NAMM) to assemble a database of hidden musical talents among celebrities and political figures. Bill Clinton’s love of the saxophone was well known, but Chevy Chase, Bob Hope and Alan Greenspan also blow a mean sax. You can count Clint Eastwood, Dustin Hoffman, Hugh Jackman, Albert Einstein and Condoleezza Rice as piano players, while Jennifer Lawrence, Johnny Depp and Robert Pattinson like the soulful appeal of the acoustic guitar.
Music News Headlines – Yahoo News

Oasis Detail Upcoming ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ Reissue

Oasis will continue their Chasing the Sun reissue campaign with the re-release of their 1995 smash (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? scheduled for release on September 30th via Big Brother Recordings Find Out where Oasis’ ‘(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?’ Ranks on Our List of the 500 Greatest Albums of All Time Like the…

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UCLA Floods After Massive Water Main Bursts—See the Craziest Pics of the Aftermath!

UCLA FloodingUCLA unexpectedly turned into a water park today.

The University of California, Los Angeles campus experienced a shocking flood after a massive water main break shortly before 3:30 p.m.,…


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Maxine, Billy

It was a warm sunny Saturday and we decided to go see what we could find at the beach. After strolling around for fifteen minutes we ran into Maxine. She told us that she was out of a walk because he husband was driving her nuts. We asked if there was anything we could do and she said two words… “fuck me”. Done!

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‘Community’ Creator Will Do ‘Anything’ To Have Childish Gambino Rejoin The Show

“Community” creator Dan Harmon says he’s hard at work getting Donald Glover to rejoin the cast.
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Iggy Azalea to Make Cameo In ‘Fast & Furious 7,’ Vin Diesel Says

Vin Diesel revealed a juicy piece of information during a recent interview to promote his new Marvel film Guardians of the Galaxy: rapper Iggy Azalea…
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Healthy Summer Recipe Idea: Vegetarian Zucchini Carpaccio

You're right! "Carpaccio" usually means meat that's been hammered until it's very thin, then served raw. But not in this case! Just take a look at this light, delish, perfect-for-summer carpaccio recipe (that's ridiculously easy…

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Operation Change: Malaysia – Oprah Winfrey Network

Tune in for an all-new episode of Operation Change August 4th at 10/9c.
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While Bill and Tani Austin travel to the Philippines to give the gift of hearing with Elton John, Manny Pacquiao and Jessica Sanchez, Steven and the team head to Malaysia on a mission to help a disabled community show just how able they really are.

To find out more about Operation Change Click Here:

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ManServants For Hire Are Like Strippers, But So Much Better

Let’s be real ladies: a greased up man shoving his banana-hammock-clad junk in your face is not the definition of a good time.

Knowing that most women aren’t as enthused with strippers as men are, one San Francisco based start-up decided to change the game and give women what they really want: Man servants.

The company, appropriately called ManServants, states that their vision is “to empower women to make their own rules. Rules a ManServant may then follow.” The idea is that instead of hiring creepy strippers for their bachelorette parties, women can hire gorgeous models to do the things they actually desire: hold their umbrellas, serve them Champagne by the pool, massage their bodies with their sexy model hands and even snap selfies for them (which in the old days was called “taking a picture”).

According to the website, each Manservant is customizable, just like a Build-A-Bear! Customers can tell the company what they want their Manservant to look like, what he should wear, how he should behave and even give him a new name (the site suggests “Garçon, Bartholomew, or Ryan Gosling.”)

All of this comes at a price of course. The company’s founders tell The Huffington Post that prices will be available in September when the service launches in San Francisco.

Oh, and if you think Manservants is just an escort service dressed up as a bachelorette schtick, think again. The website explicitly states, “A ManServant keeps his penis in his pants and out of the lady’s face.” Phew!

Watch the hilarious advertisement above for more info. Then, let us know in the comments section if you would rent a man for the day.

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Weddings on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Sign up for our newsletter here.

Comedy – The Huffington Post
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5 Fresh Ways to Keep Cool on Hot Days

It’s getting hotter than hot and as we dip into the triple digits and our brain functionality shuts down and we go on fashion autopilot. But before you switch permanently to flip-flops, tanks and shorts and move your beach chair to the shade, there are ways to keep our cool and maintain your style.

I recently traveled from one sweltering U.S. destination to the next — Alabama to Washington D.C. to NYC within a week — and here are my favorite new finds for how to take the sweat out of summer.

1. Cooling Body Cloths

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Remember Ban? Yes, the roller-ball deodorant from our youth. They’ve just come out with these Total Refresh Cooling Body Cloths that remind me of a fragrant baby wipe, only on contact they miraculously cool the skin (even if the packet sits in your hot car for hours). These are perfect for freshening up after a workout or any time you’re a hot sweaty mess.

$ 3.29, Drugstore.com

2. Laser-Cut Dresses With Built-in Shapewear

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So who really wants to wear shapewear in this heat? Yet at the same time, no one wants to sacrifice a seamless silhouette. While breezy, laser-cut dresses are a perfect style choice this season for what they lack (weight and heavy fabrics that trap sweat in), this fit-and-flare one by NUE by Shani also has built-in shapers so that you can both feel the wind — and look slim at the same time.

$ 273, Nordstrom

3. Make-up Papers

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If you can’t stop the sweat, then pat it away with these compact Mai Couture make-up papers. They work just like oil-blotting papers only placing a light make-up finish of your face like the perfect touch-up of highlighter, blush or bronzer. The small packets are so easy to throw in a purse or bag and eliminate the need to tote around additional, bulky compacts. (They also make foundation powder papers). Two trial packs offer different makeup options for different skin types and needs.

$ 24 for booklet of 60, MaiCouture.com

4. Refreshing Soap and Glory Sugar Crush Body Scrub

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If you keep in mind that the skin is the largest organ of the body and is essential in keeping the body cool, then my theory of doing a twice-a-week full body exfoliation to buff, renew and rejuvenate the skin’s surface to have it functioning optimally makes complete sense.

$ 25, Sephora

5. Organic Tea and Superfood Juice Blends

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Staying hydrated with water and cold drinks throughout the day helps to lower body temperature, but how many of us reach our target of eight to 10 glasses? So why not attempt to reach that goal in a tasty, organic way? Little Miracles is a popular new U.K. import with four different organic tea and unique juice blends like lemongrass tea, orange juice and ginger. Plus, you get natural energy boosts by way of ginseng and acai without the caffeine withdrawal typical of coffee — a big one being dehydration.

$ 1.99, Target stores
Style – The Huffington Post
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A Lunchbox Hiding in Plain Sight #OWNSHOW

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Who said milk jugs don’t make good lunch containers? Natalie Pirveysian, founder of DIY blog Crème de la Craft, has a unique lunch box that is not only functional, but looks pretty darn cute too.
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Everything Happens for a Reason

You know what’s really annoying? When people tell you that everything happens for a reason. That’s like saying, Oh, you fell and smashed your face against the hard concrete? Yeah well, that happened for a reason. Oh, a bird had explosive diarrhea on your shoulder right before your meeting? Yep, there’s a reason.

A few months ago, I was doing what I normally do, stressing out because I didn’t book another commercial and wondering whether I should create a dating profile or finish a can of Pringles. I skimmed through the latest comedy publication that just released the 999,000 best comedians in America and my name was nowhere to be seen. I read a few emails that said, Thanks Katrinka, but no. Another wedding invitation came in the mail and not only didn’t I have anyone to bring, but unless they were definitely serving pigs-in-a-blanket, I wasn’t even sure I wanted to go.

I was feeling tired, just not myself. My head felt foggy, I was nauseous and I had crazy pressure on my face. My ears were clogged and I would get intense headaches every morning. It was allergy season, so my television blared with commercials for treating them. Do you have Sinus Pressure? Headaches? Are you tired all the time? Take this pill and you will feel so much better. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what the commercial said because I was too busy shouting, “I auditioned for that!” to notice.

My GP thought it was migraines; an ear, nose and throat doctor thought it was sleep apnea; and an allergist wasn’t sure, but did mention that he also does stand up comedy. Kill me now. I went to see a neurologist who, along with my aunt who is a nurse, told me to get an MRI.

After the 20-minute procedure, My Mom and I prepared for a fun weekend away from the city. My sister was meeting us and we were excited. The three of us can make anything fun as long as we’re together. We especially love car rides, preparing good meals and gardening, a special treat for people who only have a fire escape with a sad-looking geranium on it. That afternoon there was a message from my neurologist. All I heard was, “Get yourself to an emergency room, I’m afraid you’re going to fall asleep and not wake up.”

An emergency room in the suburbs is nothing like ones in a city. There’s elevator music, Martha Stuart magazines, and people bring water to your shaken mother to calm her nerves. Soon, we were joined by some of our friends and Mary, the amazing mother of my childhood boyfriend. They all remained strong for us when the doctor told us the news… there was a mass on my brain that had to be removed. Mary quickly made some phone calls and within minutes, had the name of one of the top neurosurgeons in the area.

One minute you’re planning a weekend and the next, a team of doctors surround your bed. One of them knelt down, held my hand and explained that they were going to remove the mass. A mass? Is that a tumor? Yes, a tumor and a cyst were the two things causing me all that pain. I was scared. Was I going to die? It wasn’t really a strange question considering in the past couple of years I had lost several close friends, a young cousin and my dear Dad. We knew what we knew and wouldn’t find out anything else until they took more tests and completed the surgery.

The CAT scan of my abdomen (something I didn’t even think about having them do) was clear. Next was another MRI. “Are you claustrophobic?,” asked a nurse. “I am now,” I said. However, thanks to a little thing called Ativan, I could have been hanging out with the cast of Three’s Company at the Regal Beagle instead of being inside a clanking tube and I wouldn’t have known the difference.

The next few days I spent wondering if any of the doctors were single, canceling shows and passing on a new writing job. I crossed out all the fun things I had planned in my calendar and wrote ‘Brain Surgery’ in its place.

My room began to fill up with flowers, balloons and stuffed animals. The kindest emails and texts came from grade school, high school and college friends. Some of the loveliest people I know, my comedian friends in New York and Los Angeles, organized a prayer chain. My close family and friends stayed by my side. I never felt more loved in my life.

As they wheeled me down to the operating room, I began to cry. I prayed that my Dad would watch over me. He and my Mom had always been there for me before anything scary and the loss of his presence was palpable. I imagined him standing there next to me giving me the thumbs up. I woke up in the ICU and the very first thing I saw was my smiling Mom at the foot of my bed. “It’s all going to be OK,” she said. Turns out, it was a rare tumor of the central nervous system, but the tumor was benign. Never in my life had I heard more glorious words.

The weeks of recovery that followed were filled with family, friends, laughter, generous gifts and an enormous amount of gratitude. I was reminded in a very short time how much love I have in my life. Essentially, I found my strength in love. (Cue Whitney Houston.)

This experience has changed me for the better. I consciously appreciate my beating heart and fully accept whatever comes my way. Instead of stressing about all the things I don’t have, I appreciate all the things that are in my life at this moment. I can almost watch the commercials I didn’t book without wincing. (I SAID ALMOST!)

Maybe I needed a jolt, a reset button or a fresh new start to continue my journey through life. Maybe I needed a few weeks to just sit and think. Or, maybe my experience will encourage someone to get an MRI. I may not ever know the real reason for all of this but I do know one thing for sure. As annoying as it sounds, I now believe everything does happen for a reason.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Ariana Grande Talks Relationship With Her Father And ‘The Hardest Thing’ She’s Had To Overcome

With a just-leaked, ridiculously catchy single featuring Jessie J and Nicki Minaj and a new album set to drop at the end of August, it’s safe to say that Ariana Grande is having a good summer.

But the “Problem” singer proves that even the most successful pop stars aren’t exempt from personal struggles. As Seventeen’s newest cover girl, Ariana opened up to the magazine about her relationship with her father and the recent passing of her grandfather, which occurred after her interview.

In a statement made to Seventeen, the singer said:

This interview took place before I lost my grandfather. Reading it back now is, of course, very hard but I’m so grateful that I spoke briefly about some of the wisdom he shared with me in this interview. I hope the Seventeen readers find it helpful and can relate.

Scroll down for highlights from the interview — including lessons learned and getting over insecurities — and head over to Seventeen.com to read more. Pick up this month’s issue of Seventeen, which hits stands on August 5.

On putting herself out there and being totally exposed…
“It’s tough to spend some of the most important years of your life in front of so many strangers who want to pick you apart. Insecurity has been the hardest thing I’ve had to overcome. I think everyone my age struggles with that because everyone strives for approval and wants to feel loved.”

On how she gets over her insecurities…
“I focus on what’s important. My grandpa is sick, so I focus on him every day. I’m having the biggest song of my career so far, and all I can think about is my grandpa, because that’s what’s important to me.”

On the biggest lesson she’s learned in the past few years…
“Being okay with not having the answers to everything. I feel like for the first time in my life, I’m really okay. I used to freak out about everything all the time. I used to be like, ‘Oh my God, somebody said this!’ Everything used to be such a big deal! But now, I feel I can handle everything that comes my way with a calm energy.”

On the toughest thing she has ever had to deal with…
“Falling out of touch with my dad. It’s private, but it happened last year. It took me so long to be okay with it. The thing that got me there was embracing the fact that that I am made up of half my dad, and a lot of my traits come from him. So much of me comes from my father, and for so long, I didn’t like that about myself. I had to accept that it’s okay not to get along with somebody and still love them.”

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Style – The Huffington Post
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MasterChef Recap: “Nice and Fudgy” in ‘Top 12 Compete’

Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 5, Episode 10 of FOXs “MasterChef,” titled “Top 12 Compete.”

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Hey, guys? Can someone tell my future mate to not propose to me on an episode of ‘MasterChef’ with scary Joe Bastianich lording over it all? Cool, thanks.

So tonight was all about romance and two teams — with Ahran and Elizabeth at the helms — had to cook for a bunch of couples. And Gordon Ramsey’s wife, who was wearing delectable yellow heels that made even Courtney gape in awe.

One team makes a lobster risotto. The other makes a sexy, yet undercooked, filet mignon. For dessert, they sort of look the same. Strangely, Leslie and Ahran make amends. Elizabeth keeps her cool plating goofy bowls of strawberries. Everything sort of goes smoothly. The Blue Team — with Elizabeth and Courtney and other front runners win. Christine, Cutter, Ahran, Leslie, Willie, and Christian have to make a bunch of truffles for a pressure test. Uh-oh.

Willie and Christian have no idea what they’re doing. Leslie’s rambling about throwing sexy truffles into his wife’s mouth. Yes, throwing. Cutter doesn’t even know what a truffle is. It’s not going to be easy.

Strangely, at the end of the test, they all look sort of OK. I would have no idea where to start (or I would just start licking the chocolate whipping bowl). Cutter actually comes through with dainty looking truffles. Gordon and the other chefs bust on him, but he’s officially rebounded. Christian has some tasty sounding truffles. Willie uses too many sprinkles. Ahran gets a grunt from Joe and that’s it. Leslie’s look like they would give his wife a concussion if he threw ‘em at her. Christine goes classic on flavors. Sea salt and dark chocolate? Yes, please! But they’re also fugly.

The case of reality show producers calling the shots won in the end. Leslie is good drama. Christine just busts her butt and wants to win. I’m sort of bummed because I was hoping she was the underdog in this competition.

What were your favorite moments this week? Who’s next? Let me know @karenfratti or in the comments.

“MasterChef” airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on FOX.
Entertainment – The Huffington Post
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Building Relationship Value Instead of Digging for Gold

A perspective on dating based upon one man’s experience. This article offers a new way to look at dating.
Relationships:Dating Articles from EzineArticles.com

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Legal fallout begins for ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’

Scrapped tour was to include punk legend John “Johnny Rotten” Lydon and Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child
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Saintseneca: Tiny Desk Concert

Dark Arc is a pastiche of gentle lyrical moments and punk anthems, often within the same tune. In the NPR offices, the Ohio band performs three alternately brooding and stomping songs from the album.

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Correction: Music-Eric Clapton story

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — In a story July 24 about Eric Clapton’s new album “The Breeze,” The Associated Press reported erroneously the first name of singer Don White.
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Two Remastered Big Star Records Will Be Back in Print This Fall

Big Star’s influential first two albums 1972′s #1 Record and 1974′s Radio City which have been bundled together as a #1 Record/Radio City two-for-one album for years will once again be available to purchase as separate albums on September 2nd Stax Records which distributed the LPs via audio engineer John…

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Chloë Grace Moretz Doesn’t Want Life To Be All About Relationships: “That’s Not My Style”

Chloe Grace Moretz, Flare MagazineIf there’s one thing Chloë Grace Moretz isn’t focused on at 17-years-old, it’s the crazy world of teenage dating.

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Facebook’s High School Reunion Problem

I like Facebook. Oh, it gets a bad rap sometimes. And it’s easy to criticize. Sure, it’s a bit of a distraction from the important things in life. But without Facebook, how else would I get constant invitations to play Candy Crush? Also, it’s fun to take those Facebook personality quizzes, like “Which Passion Of The Christ Character Are You?” and “Which Member of Norway’s 2006 Winter Olympics Team Are You?” (answers: God and speed skater Hedvig Bjelkevik) Actually, my only real problem with Facebook is that it has killed one of our great American traditions, the high school reunion.

High school reunions used to take place ten years after you graduate, or twenty-five years after you graduate. Now, high school reunions take place every morning, while you sit at your computer not doing work, browsing your former classmates’ update statuses. “Hey, the chubby guy I sat next to in biology class ran another marathon this weekend. I guess I should ‘like’ it?”

The thing I got most out of reading Charles Darwin is that human beings are not supposed to stay in touch with everyone from high school. It’s unnatural — like genetically modified food or heterosexual sex. Rather, during our teenage years, we’re in a monkey-like state. Then we evolve; we leave high school, maybe holding on to a couple of good friends if you’re lucky, then we start our lives, occasionally running into a school acquaintance at Target, and then years later we get together with all our classmates for a night of reminiscing, drunkenness, seeing who got weird-looking and revenge sex. This has been the natural, biological evolution of graduation-to-reunion for millions of years. It’s why Alabama won’t teach it in science class.

Sure, high school reunions still exist. But they’re not the same. Now, people go into their reunion already knowing the stuff they used to learn at the reunion… which was the whole point of going to the reunion. High school reunions used to be all about the “surprise” factor. Whoa, James is religious now!? Darlene is hot now!? Kyle married our English teacher!? But, because of Facebook, everyone already knows this information. So now when you meet and greet your former classmates, the conversation is more like, “So what do you think about this weather we’ve been having?”

Before Facebook, the time-honored high school reunion was the place to discover which classmates are now successful and which classmates are now failures. Before Facebook, the high school reunion was the place to discover which classmates are now happy (IE the ones who found their soul mate and got married) and which classmates are now miserable (IE the ones who found their soul mate, got married and then had children). Now, at least based on the Facebook update statuses that people write about their lives, apparently everyone is happy and successful. Look how everyone is smiling in their vacation pics.

And, shallow as it may be, let’s be honest; the biggest reason to attend your high school reunion has always been to find out how your former classmates look. But, of course, with Facebook, I bet most high school reunions don’t even bother to hand out name tags at the door anymore. Everyone already knows how everyone looks. (note: I looked good at my high school reunion. Painful as the process may be, subjecting my face to a twice-a-week chemical skin peel is really paying off.)

We’re all connected now. And this is nice. It’s a good thing. The at-one-time bullies are Facebook friendly with their victims. Former prom queens chat on-line with the unpopular nerds. The kids who were jocks are now… well, they’re still a**holes. But for the most part, Facebook has broken down the cliquish stereotypes we assumed our former classmates to be. The kids you partied with are now adults, sharing political views and news about their lives and — though smothered underneath a pile of selfies — even the occasional deep thought.

But for better or worse, social networking technology has rendered another American tradition irrelevant. And that’s kind of sad. At least I assume it’s an American tradition. Do other countries have high school reunions? I’m thinking Iraq probably doesn’t. “Hey, does anyone know if Saddam is coming tonight? He what?! Wow. Okay, then I guess that means he’s not coming.”

There have been a million movie and TV show plots in which the protagonist attends his or her high school reunion — often with the hopes of seeing an old flame or looking to settle an old score or to apologize to a classmate they once hurt and they still feel guilty about it. I bet that today’s high school students have trouble relating to these storylines. The mystery of “whatever happened to so-and-so” is a fading era, replaced by “so-and-so just changed their relationship status.”

And that’s what high school reunions are really about, and that’s what technology has taken away from us… the excitement of mystery. And that’s a small thrill that those-still-too-young-to-have-attended-their-first-high-school-reunion will miss, without even knowing they miss it. Enjoy your ten-year reunion, twenty-eight-year-olds. But know that when you walk through the doors, there won’t be any surprises.

There’s no mystery anymore. I mean, the next Avengers movie doesn’t even come out for another year, but I already know the plot. I already know everything about the new superhero characters. And I want to know everything about the movie, but yet I don’t. But yet I do. But yet I don’t. But yet I do. Do you see what I’m saying? (I’m saying that I’m a geek.)

Similarly, I love that Facebook allows me to keep in touch with so many people from my past. Thank you, Facebook. It almost makes up for funneling our personal information to government agencies and using us as human guinea pigs to sell more soda. It’s comforting to be a mouse click away from so many names that, without computers, would’ve probably just drifted into that hazy retrospective part of our brain that self-activates anytime we’re driving on an unfamiliar back road and a Sarah McLachlan song pops up on the radio. And yet, perhaps “comforting” is really just a crutch. Are our memories not enough? Sometimes I think that we’re missing out by not missing out. Eh, whatever. Most of these people will eventually unfriend you, anyway.

Of course, there are people who choose not to be part of the social networking world, who would never join Facebook. But those are the same people who have no interest in high school reunions, anyway. They’ve moved on, living in the “now” without regret, grabbing hold of every new adventure that comes their way. They don’t want to waste their time dwelling on about random former acquaintances of which they only have vague recollections. In other words, people who aren’t on Facebook are no fun.

Yes, Facebook has eliminated the need for reunions. I’m going to make a prediction. One, competitive eating champion Joey Chestnut will surpass seventy franks during next year’s July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest. And also, in time, the traditional high school reunion will be phased out, disappearing from the cultural landscape, just like landline telephones and Miley Cyrus’ dignity. Replacing it will be a new sort of “reunion”, frequent and more spur-of-the-moment casual get-togethers. Update Status: Hey, everyone from high school! Some of us are getting together at Applebee’s tomorrow night. If you’re in town, stop by! And, hey, that could be fun, too.

Here’s a personal story…

Years ago, back in my college days, I met a beautiful girl who sat next to me during a summer class I was taking. We struck up a conversation, which then led to an exciting, unforgettable, romantic, passionate affair that lasted until the end of the summer. Then I moved back to my hometown. We never saw each other again.

Over the years, from time to time, I tried looking her up. I’m dying to see what she’s doing these days. But she had a very common name. And, honestly, I never really knew that much about her. So I was never been able to find her. And I’m sort of glad about that. Sure, I’m curious. But, in this case, I’ll take the mystery and the memories over the banal comfort of the present.

Nevertheless, if you happen to be reading this essay, Gwyneth Paltrow, I hope you’re doing well and I’d love to hear from you so hit me up on Twitter!
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Pregnant Scarlett Johansson Debuts Short Hair While Out With Romain Dauriac

Scarlett Johansson has a new ‘do for summer.

The pregnant star stepped out with fiance Romain Dauriac in New York City on Tuesday, July 29, rocking a new, bright blond hairstyle. In May, she was photographed at the wedding of Princess Florence Von Preussen and English Aristocrat James Tollemache in Somerset, England, with longer, darker locks. Now, Johansson’s hair is a sunny hue, cropped above the ears.

No doubt the actress is having a great week. Her new sci-fi thriller, “Lucy,” earned $ 44 million at the box office, beating out “Hercules,” Entertainment Weekly reported. It’s a career high for the 29-year-old as a lead.

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Style – The Huffington Post
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What Tyler Perry Wants You to Know About If Loving You Is Wrong – OWN

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Tune in for the two-hour series premiere of Tyler Perry’s If Loving You Is Wrong on Tuesday, September 9, at 9/8c.
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Honesty Still Exists, Even at the Auto Shop

My car guy, Dave, wears a curly brown ponytail that stretches down to his waist and glasses that kind of remind me of John Lennon. I found him through stellar reviews on Yelp. A free spirit, he’s undoubtedly the most unique mechanic I’ve ever met.

Dave’s business looks nothing like your traditional automotive shop. Paintings of colorful swirls cover the windows on the outside of the building. Inside, Dave has eclectic posters with quotes and funny pictures hanging on the walls amidst countless plants and antique car parts plopped on the floor of the waiting area.

A handful of small dogs lounging on a large pillow greet you at the door with spirited yips. A gray cat with easily eight layers of dirt and oil caked on its fur also always rubs against your calves when you walk in. Dirty Cat is absolutely filthy but very sweet and a kind of mascot for the place.

If you watch Dave with customers, he’s always pushing his glasses up and looking to the side to consider his words before expressing meaningful concepts. From gratitude, to favorite movies, and old cars he fixed that everyone said couldn’t be fixed, Dave enjoys thoughtfully sharing his insights with others.

My twelve-year-old Explorer is on its last legs. I’m almost ready to let it go, but not quite, so I see Dave a lot.

Cars are really perplexing to me, so Dave writes in yellow marker on all of the parts he works on.

Opening my hood, I can read a sea of descriptions, dates, and changes he’s made over the past couple of years. This way, I am never confused. Because of his honesty and attention to detail, I’ve trusted Dave since day one.

Recently, I took the car in for a check engine light problem. Dave quoted me between $ 700 and $ 1000 for the job. He said he would have to go in and fix this one part and then, if he needed new parts, the cost would go up.

When I arrived to pick the car up, and saw the bill came to $ 495, I figured he’d grabbed the wrong invoice. As always, Dave filled me in on everything he did, and revealed that he was able to fix the problem without new parts, and the job didn’t take as long as he thought it would.

“We came in under budget, Michelle. That is why it’s $ 495.”

I stared at him in disbelief. Not because Dave’s integrity surprised me, but because I couldn’t recall a moment in my entire life when someone doing a job for me admitted to coming in “under budget.” Because we usually aren’t there to see the work being done, we, as customers, have no idea how long it actually took. We would never know the difference either way.

The experience made me appreciate Dave more than ever. It also got me thinking about honesty. It made me wonder if I tell the truth as often as I could or should.

Things I generally lie about are: my weight on my driver’s license and how long it will take for me to get somewhere when I am already late. For some reason, even when I know I need another thirty minutes, I say it will only take fifteen. I don’t know if this is wishful thinking or what?

I lie to others sometimes to avoid hurting their feelings. Baby lies like, “No, your singing was really good.” And, “Yes, I totally like that yellow color you chose for your new car,” are not that big of a deal.

Lying to myself is my biggest problem. I say I’m not mad sometimes when I totally am. If I skip the gym today, it won’t turn into a week. I round up how much I saved on a sale. I think we all lie about love relationships when we convince ourselves his or her good qualities surely outweigh the bad.

Sometimes I don’t eat the last couple bites of a meal. That way I can lie to myself about how many calories I didn’t consume. (Yes, not eating the crust of that pizza really made a difference, Michelle.)

And speaking of food, (because how can I get through an article without talking about food?) I lie about sugar. I buy the Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake flavor and tell myself that I won’t eat the whole pint. Unfortunately, when the piecrust starts popping up at the bottom, I can’t turn back. Coveting the carton in the ice cream aisle is where the lie begins.

I hope admitting to these lies here will make me more accountable to myself. I am grateful to Dave for inspiring me to practice increased honesty in my life. He really is a cool guy who made me think about stuff, simply by telling the truth.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Beyonce And Jay Z Divorce Rumors Are Getting Crazier By The Day

The New York Post is pretty convinced that divorce is imminent for music’s biggest power couple, Beyonce and Jay Z.

Ever since TMZ obtained video of Beyonce’s sister Solange attacking Jay Z after the Met Ball, rumors of marital problems have been flying left, right and center. The Post has been at the forefront of these claims, quoting sources who must be tapped into the couple’s inner circle given the intel they are leaking.

The latest sign that the couple is heading for splitsville comes from claims that Beyonce was reportedly “secretly shopping for new digs without Jay Z.” The Post’s sources claim that weeks after the attack video went viral, the 32-year-old songstress quietly looked at a $ 21.5 million Chelsea penthouse, which means alleged trouble for the marriage because there is no way that Beyonce would be looking at such a space for a family member, nor would Jay Z consider leaving his massive Tribeca apartment. “I can say with certainty that Jay is not downsizing,” a source told the paper.

At this point their sources say that it’s not a matter of if they’ll split, but when and how. Sources claim that while the couple presents the image of a happy family in their Instagram photos, which are posted regularly, the only time they spend together is on stage during On The Run shows.

But beyond allegations made by anonymous sources, there are a number of signs contributing to rumors that Bey and Jay may soon call it quits.

  1. With the couple’s relationship under new levels of scrutiny after the Solange attack video leaked, it became apparent that Beyonce had her Roman numeral IV tattoo removed from her ring finger — a tattoo she got in lieu of an engagement ring.
  2. At the couple’s Cincinnati show on June 28, Beyonce changed the lyrics to “Resentment” from “I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good / Like I couldn’t do it for you like your mistress could” to “I’ll always remember feeling like I was no good / Like I couldn’t do it for you like that wack bitch could.” And later she also changed the lines from “Been ridin’ with you for six years [...] I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me” to “Been ridin’ with you for 12 years [...] I gotta look at her in her eyes and see she’s had half of me. She ain’t even half of me. That bitch will never be.”

    And if she’s not changing the lyrics to her songs she’s belting out brutally emotional covers like her rendition of Lauryn Hill’s “Ex Factor,” at the couple’s New Orleans show (though it should be noted, it’s a song Beyonce covered in the past, well before divorce rumblings ran rampant).

  3. A blind item from Blind Gossip claimed on July 21 that a high-profile couple was in the process of “splitting up everything (properties, money, child/ren) right now, but will be keeping up appearances until the announcement.” While most would brush off these blind items, Blind Gossip was the same site that accurately predicted Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ divorce.

With all that in mind, it’s important to remember that Beyonce and Jay Z are masters of publicity. And it’s not beyond the realm of possibility to think that they might be the ones pulling the strings. It could be argued that the threat of a divorce could make their On The Run tour seem like the last time fans could potentially see them perform together, which could definitely be a narrative that would help drive ticket sales.

And doesn’t it seem strange that Beyonce was able to keep her entire album a secret right up until the moment it dropped, and yet suddenly someone in her camp won’t stop leaking secrets to The New York Post? Also, where is TMZ in all of this? Why hasn’t the outlet, which was responsible for procuring the video that started all the divorce rumors in the first place, chimed in at all?

But with the couple’s tour scheduled to end on September 13, if the rumors are true, we could soon be getting some answers to all these questions.
Style – The Huffington Post
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Maggie Gyllenhaal Explains How Batman Is Like Pussy Riot

What does Batman have in common with Pussy Riot?

That may sound like the start of a joke, but Maggie Gyllenhaal has a great answer. During a conversation about her new miniseries “The Honorable Woman” — a “knotty, multilevel espionage tale with snaking storylines, flashbacks and revelations, startling but believable twists and unraveling secrets” — HuffPost Live’s Alyona Minkovski asked Gyllenhaal about the never-ending fascination with the Batman franchise, which Gyllenhaal became a part of in 2008′s “The Dark Knight.”

Gyllenhaal speculated that the fascination comes from the fact that Batman is “not a magical superhero — he’s a human who’s created a way for himself to be able to do these superhuman things.”

“Like Pussy Riot, for example,” Gyllenhall said. “We look at Pussy Riot and we just go, ‘My God, you’re so brave. You’re doing what we all wish we could do. You’re standing up against something that you think is really wrong, and you’re risking everything,’ and that’s kind of what Bruce Wayne is doing, right?”

Watch the full HuffPost Live conversation with Maggie Gyllenhaal below.

Sign up here for Live Today, HuffPost Live’s new morning email that will let you know the newsmakers, celebrities and politicians joining us that day and give you the best clips from the day before!
Entertainment – The Huffington Post
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Waiting to Meet The Perfect Woman to Date?

I’m writing this because I know many men are struggling with dating the right woman of their life. Maybe you are one of them? I’m here to help if you are one of them. Too many are looking for the perfect woman.
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Jenny Lewis On World Cafe

For the U.S. release, singer-songwriter John Grant fashioned English lyrics to go with the Icelandic musician’s melodies. For our Vintage Cafe today, Ásgeir sings live in the World Cafe studios.

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Music aside, Queen of Soul is pumped for fair food

FILE - In a Thursday, May 29, 2014 file photo, singer Aretha Franklin looks up while seated on stage during Harvard University commencement ceremonies, in Cambridge, Mass. Franklin, the Queen of Soul says she's looking forward to tracking down one of the powdered sugar-covered confections while she's at the Ohio State Fair to perform on Thursday, July 31, 2014. (AP Photo/Steven Senne, File)COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Aretha Franklin is jazzed about more than music at the Ohio State Fair: She's also looking forward to the food.



Music News Headlines – Yahoo News

Rape Alleged at Boston Area Keith Urban Concert

An 18-year-old Boston man has been charged with raping a 17-year-old fan at the Boston area stop of Keith Urban’s Raise ‘Em Up Tour The incident follows reports of 50 arrests at the concert held at the Xfinity Center in Mansfield Massachusetts In addition 46 concertgoers received medical treatment some…

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Billy Bob Thornton’s Dream Jobs: Game of Thrones and…Saved by the Bell!

Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Billy Bob Thornton, HodorBilly Bob Thornton is looking for another television project.

While the actor is up for an Emmy for his work in Fargo, he won’t be returning for the second season.

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My name is Nini. I am a 25 yr black female. I am a college student (tho not enrolled this semester) majoring in Criminal Justice. I am very cool, laid back, and drama free. I am an Acct Rep for a major company. I don't have any kids of my own but i have four lil ones in my life that r like mine and i love them like their my own. I don't club anymore, i just like to chill and hang with my fam and friends when I'm not working. I enjoy watching movies & basketball games, cooking, conversing, shopping, and just enjoying life.

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Aretha Franklin Feeling Fit, Ready To Impress at Ohio State Fair

Aretha Franklin is jazzed about more than music at the Ohio State Fair: She’s also looking forward to the food.
“I love the state fair, and I love…
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Meet the Mother with 20 Personalities – The Oprah Winfrey Show – OWN

Original airdate: September 2, 2010
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Kim Noble has 20 personalities. Psychologists suspect that as a young child Kim suffered severe trauma that caused her mind to split into multiple people, including Judy, a 15-year-old bulimic; Salome, a devout Catholic; and Ken, a depressed gay man. Watch as Kim, with the help of her therapist, reveals many of her personalities, and learn how her daughter, Aimee, is affected by her mother’s mental illness.

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Bachelor Parties for Guys Over 40 Should Be Against the Law

The Bachelor Party. A time-honored tradition of male-bonding in which a group of friends wish “Bon Voyage” to their lucky – or unlucky – friend about to take the plunge into matrimony, by eating more than they ever have, drinking an ocean’s worth of Mexico’s finest national product, and spending enough money to cover Portugal’s national debt on women they can’t even touch.

Having recently participated in a bachelor party for my best friend who’s getting married – again – I can tell you, a bunch of intoxicated, sexually-repressed Jews wandering the meat-packing district for hours, with no clear destination, you definitely begin to understand what it must have felt like 2000 years ago. Not a good vibe.

It’s bad enough to have to endure a testosterone-fueled, and ultimately feudal, evening like this when you’re in your twenties. But, when you hit 40-plus, and you’re all sitting around after dinner wondering what to do, and the suggestion that receives the most votes is “Ben and Jerry’s,” you know it’s over.

Twenty years ago, the post-dinner conversation immediately began with talk about going to Score’s. Now, it’s about going for s’mores. Of course, eventually, the former wins out – if only as a poorly-disguised attempt to cling to whatever’s left of your youth – which, ironically, in the end, makes you feel older. So, what’s the point?

My suggestion; just give it up, guys. There’s nothing worse than an almost 50 year-old, drunken man-child, shamelessly cat-calling out the car window to a pre-pube female in heels so high she looks like a new-born giraffe.

Not to mention, if you’re anything like me, the more you’re supposed to have a good time, the worse it is. Case in point; New Year’s Eve. Come to think of it, they should do away with that one, too.

The only possible way anyone over the age of 39 should ever even consider throwing/attending one of these sad, humiliating events is if the location is Vegas and one of the guy’s is BFFs with Ben Affleck. Then, maybe.

Otherwise, I recommend Congress pass a law making it illegal for men over 40 to engage in bachelor party hi-jinx. Why not? Our government does their best to protect us in every other area of our lives, e.g., driving too fast, jaywalking, seat belts, texting, etc., etc. Why not save us from both physical – as well as psychological – harm?

Seriously, what’s the point of spending $ 300 for a $ 30 bottle of vodka and giving it all to sleazy women who are experts in the art of self-inflicted pickpocketing? If you want to be frustrated by a woman you can’t have, why not just stay home and talk to your wife? It’s free and the ensuing headache is all hers.
Comedy – The Huffington Post
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Why Women Don’t Watch Porn

I recently went on a recommended website to watch some porn in the name of, uh, research. I’ve never really watched it before and was intrigued after watching Don Jon, a film comparing the male fantasy of porn versus the female fantasy of chick flicks. After my research session, it is now extremely clear to me why a larger female demographic does not watch porn — and it doesn’t have anything to do with sex drive or any of those sexist assumptions. It is purely because porn, in the current state, is terrible! These were the thoughts and concerns I had while watching one episode in a massage salon.

The clip starts off with a worker (what kind of work? No one knows. No tool belt, no paint buckets. Nothing.) coming out of the back room saying that he’s done and the masseuse pulls a $ 100 bill out of her boobs and asks if instead of the $ 100, she can trade him a massage. Oh, honey, you poor girl. Do you really think you’re only worth $ 100? At the very least, negotiate in a warranty where maybe you can trade a blow job for any follow up work needed! And what kind of business is he running where the paper work just disappears and his boss doesn’t ask for the payment? I think that’s called tax evasion!

But okay, he accepts. They seductively walk to the back room where there is a shower and a bathtub. I haven’t been to that many spas or massages in my life, but I have never been to one with a shower on one side and then a bathtub in the middle of the room. What is this?! They undress and get into the shower. What’s most impressive in this scene is that between the shower and the tub and giving this guy a blow job, her hair and face do not get wet. Not even once. Her make-up stays in tack! How?! I have tried many times to be lazy and not wash my hair in the shower and instead, just tie it and wear it up, but somehow, without fail, it always gets wet. This girl has some serious skills. And no, she doesn’t accidentally snort water up her nose while going down on him either. Wow, I am impressed. My other question is, shower first, then bathtub? Wouldn’t you want to get soapy in the bathtub and then rinse off in the shower? But, I digress.

So, they finally get to the “massage” portion and here comes the most ridiculous part. They get down on… an AIR MATTRESS. I’m sorry, but whaaat? Porn plot aside, I moved into NYC after graduation with no money and was able to buy a brand new mattress for $ 150 including shipping. You’re telling me that this porn production company was not able to put together $ 150 for a real mattress? Come on. And back to the plot, what massage parlor, no matter how low class, uses an air mattress? And I know you’re thinking, “It’s porn — it’s not realistic.” But the thing is, when they started to get into it, every single thrust resulted in an annoying squeak squeak squeak from the plastic friction. How is anybody supposed to get into sexy mode with that noise going on? After a while, it’s like the guy sitting next to you in Starbucks tapping his pen on the table. All you can do is focus on that noise and it takes all of your self-control to not lunge at him and break his pencil in half or in this case, I wanted to jump into the scene and pop that air mattress!

Back to the plot, the girl is giving a full-body massage, as in she is using her full body to massage a rather minimal portion of his body. That doesn’t seem very efficient. And while she is running her whole body along his back, she makes a confused face and says, “Well, that wasn’t supposed to happen.” Oops, a penis fell into her vagina, but hey, that’s normal and let’s just keep going. I wish for education’s sake and for setting slightly more realistic expectations for both men and women and just for everybody’s general safety that they would use condoms in porn. I mean, does she know this “worker?” Does he trust this “masseuse” who might sleep with every guy in exchange for $ 100 worth of labor? How is it that neither of them is worried about STDs?

How does this story end? I’m honestly not sure because I got so bored that I kept trying to fast forward and then was not patient enough to wait for the 10-second buffering time, but considering it’s porn, I can pretty much tell you that it ended up with them coming at the same time (and again, leading men to believe that women can come on their schedule vaginally because, sure, that’s realistic) and her moaning in satisfaction in a very fake high pitched voice.

So, dear porn industry, I can tell you now that that turns on no woman (although it gave me many giggles) and considering how saturated the current industry is now, there is a HUGE opportunity to capture the other half of the population, aka women. This is what the ideal porn would be like for me (and I assume a large proportion of the female audience.)

The scene can start in any scenario, but not something cheesy like a massage parlor; it has to be slightly realistic. Let’s just say they meet at a friend of a friend’s party. The very tall, dark, and handsome man walks in wearing a perfectly tailored suit and crisp white shirt with a stiff collar. He works some white collar job — maybe an investment banker, possibly a lawyer, but not a sleazy “he’s going to Hell” type that just steals money from people, but maybe an environmental lawyer or human rights lawyer who is doing good in the world. He relays all this information to the woman while he smoothly gets hers another drink, but without being a show-off. Some chit chat happens and they end up at his apartment, which has an amazing view of the city skyline, of course.

He puts on some music and they dance a little bit and he loses his perfectly wrinkle-free suit jacket and rolls up his white shirt sleeves to subtly show off his biceps. Okay, at this point you’re rolling your eyes saying that girls want romance, not sex. But here’s the thing, WE DO. Or at least in the porn and sex version, foreplay. We need to be warmed up and not just do the, in a very crass way of putting it, “hump and dump.” I feel for most woman out there, a good 20 minutes of foreplay is the very least we need before anything even enters us, which is where the porn industry, and pretty much all men, are getting it wrong. The majority of the clips I found online were just that, clips that lasted anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes, with only a few going over the half hour mark. How am I supposed to get in the mood and be comfortable with foreign specimen entering me in under ten minutes?

What I really want is a guy to tell me that he wants to hold me for a little bit because he understands that I’m bloated from that lovely dinner he just treated me to and knows that I am conscious of my food baby stomach after eating a three-course meal because of course I polished off my whole plate of chocolate cake, and if he was a gentleman, a bite, or half, of his dessert as well. And so he understands that I just want to cuddle for now and even when we have sex later, I don’t want his hands running over my self-conscious tummy and would prefer positions where he can’t even see it because that’s what I need to feel sexy and for my pleasure. Thanks.

I’ll be the first to admit, no one will ever produce porn like this, but as I watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer this week, I had to wonder, “Why can’t we produce porn that’s more in line with this?” Not the BDSM aspect, but with some quality and actually good looking people? I clicked on a clip for fetishes with stockings and the girl was in a poofy costume looking longingly out the window while leaning on a piano with cheesy music playing in the background. I understand that La Perla or Agent Provocateur may be a bit out of a porn film’s budget, but even $ 30 lingerie from Victoria’s Secret would have looked better than that. At one point, I was distracted when the girl was touching herself because of her fake acrylic nails. Who still even gets acrylic French manicures? It’s called shellac gel, honey. Get on that – your nails looks as cheap as you are. Considering I ended up getting a great ab workout laughing from my little “research session,” I’ll just have to hope for a Magic Mike and Fifty Shades of Grey crossover coming sometime in the near future. Until then, I don’t think I can ever get a massage again for fear of getting a fit of giggles in the middle.

(On a different note, I forgot to go on an incognito window to access this website and now I keep getting penis enlargement spam emails. Are these two incidents related? Oops, rookie mistake.)
Style – The Huffington Post
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